After listening to her husband’s speech for an hour, wife says:”That was really an amazing speech” Husband: “I hope so, dear. But this audience was full of stupidest of the all I’d ever seen.” Wife: “Yeah dear. I got that at the instant when you addressed them as brothers & sisters.” Husband: ??!!!
A romantic man to her girlfriend: “You can always safely sleep on my heart” Confused girlfriend: “Really??!! Will it take on my weight?”
I messaged my boyfriend some time back: “Saw the news? Facebook got Whatsapp for 5 million dollars!!” Boyfriend: “Are they fools? They could have just downloaded it for free” Girlfriend: “Wow!! You’re just amazing sweetheart. I would kill if someone who calls you an idiot anymore.”
An angry girl friend after a long fight: “If you were my husband, I would poison your drink.” Guy: “If you were my wife, I would drink it happily”
An irritated mom to dad: “Wherever I keep the money, our son steals it. What should I do now?” Relaxed dad: “Simple… Keep it in his books. He hardly touches them!!!”
Professor to a student: Give me an example for direct marketing. Student: It’s simple. If you see a pretty girl at a party, go up to her and say, “I’m very rich. Marry me.”
A man got a call from an unknown number with a naughty kid on the other side. Kid: “Hello... How are you, sir? “ Man: “Fine, thank you. May I know who this is?” Kid: “Sure, before that, do you have a working washing machine at home?” Man (Confused): “Yes… but why? And you didn’t tell me who you are yet?” Kid: “OMG!!! Please go and get hold of it, or it might run away now” The man slams down the phone. After some time the phone rings again, the same kid on the line. Kid: “Do you have the washing machine, Sir?” Man (Angrily): “No, I don’t have. What is your problem?” Kid:” It’s your problem now, Sir. Didn’t I tell you to hold it?”
In a classroom, teacher asks a student: “What does your father do?” Student (Innocently): “Whatever my mother says.”
In a classroom, teacher puts up a question to her students: “What happened in 1955?” A student knowing the answer jumps up and says: “Bill Gates was born…” Teacher: “Good!!! Next, what happened in 1975?” The same student with all smiles: “He was twenty years old” Teacher: ??!!!
God to a man: “Son. I’m astonished by your long prayer. Please ask me something?” Man: “Make me the prime minister of the United States, God.” God: “How’s that possible my dear son? Wish me something else.” Man:”Hmm… Then make my wife listen to me all the time without any questions.” God:”Son, you want to be the prime minister or the president?!!! ”
One year old baby crawls to her dog and asks confused: “Is it true?” Dog: “Yes I’m. The moment you walk on two legs, they will put you in school. That’s why I never walked on my two legs.”
Behind every new status updates, there are two important things. ‘ctrl+c and ctrl+v’.
Social Messaging impact: Teacher to a student: “What are your extra-curricular activities?” Student: “Facebook and Whatsapp” Teacher:??!!!
Two students talking to each other, Student1: “Our principal is the stupidest.” Student2: “Do you know who I’m?” Student1: “No.” Student2:”I’m the principal’s son. I’m going to complain you now.” Student1:”Oh well. Do you know who I’m?” Student2:”No” Student1: “Thank God (runs away fast)”
Mom to her husband: “Where is our son? I’ve searched him everywhere.” Husband (relaxed): “Just turn off the Wi-Fi. He’ll be here in a minute.”
Funny puzzles: Fill the blank with Yes or No. 1. ____ I don’t have a brain. 2. ____ I’m stupid.
Teacher in the class, Teacher: Why do hens lay eggs? Naughty kid: Because if they were throwing them, they’d break!
Two people talking, man1: “Doctors have gone on strike. Don’t know why.” Man2:” Police officials will find out the Doctors' demands as soon as they get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!”
Doctor to a medical student: “Take her temperature.” Student: “Sure, doctor.” Doctor: “done?” Student:”I checked her. She didn’t bring any” Doctor:??!!!
A patient while filling a form in hospital, the question was ‘Nearest Relative’. He wrote ‘Walking distance’!!.
A doctor calls her patient and says: “The check you gave me for my bill came back.” Patient: “Yes, so did my back pain!”
A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife. Doctor:??!!!!
A woman went to see her doctor. After about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was and she explained. The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Joanne is 67 years old. She has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?" The doctor simply smiled and said, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?
Boy – Would you like to dance? Girl – Yes!!! Boy – So, can I take this chair??
In a hospital, Patient1: Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side? Patient2: He’s alright now!
A funny line, 'I tried to catch fog yesterday, Mist..'
Two children at the park, Student1: Do you know that Jesus is the real reason for Christmas? Student2: (Confused): Is it? Student1: Not to be mean. But he really is..
When the meeting broke up, Hudson confided to a friend. “Raj, I’m in a terrible pickle! I’m strapped for cash and I haven’t the slightest idea where I’m going to get it from!” “Thank God!!” exclaimed Raj. “I was afraid you might have an idea you could borrow it from me!
Look at this for the difference in opinion. Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!" Optimist: "Nah, of course they can!"
A kid asks his dad, “Papa, Is Google a he or a she?” Dad: “A definite she, Son, because it won‘t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.”
Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." The other one says, "Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons.
An irritated and sad patient to a doctor: “Please save me doctor, I have a bowel movement every morning at 6!" Doctor: "But that is a very healthy thing, Mr. Kevin!" Patient: "It would be doc, if I didn't usually wake up at 7.30!"
A sleeping kid suddenly woke up and says to the thief, “Please take my school bag too so that I won’t shout now” Thief:!?!?
A ticket collector in train, “Why are you taking two tickets?” Passenger:”Because if I lose one, that second ticket will save me.” Conductor:"what if you lose both then?” Passenger:"I am not a fool. I already have my Pass with me.!" Conductor:??!!
Don’t break anybody’s heart, they have only one. Instead break their bones, they have 206!!!